The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You Might Also Like
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
This is a true ally.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
I don’t really like the paper towel holder setup here.
Time for a new house.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
If you leave your dog tied up outside a corner store I’m walking it. No need to ask. Be back soon.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
Me: Why are you running away like that? What’d you do?
My 6 year old: Nothing, I just thought you’d checked my closet.
You’ve taken 3 pregnancy tests this month.
“What’s your point”
My point is that your shoplifting is odd and out of control Eric.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey