People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
Me trying to match all my Tupperware with the correct lids is how I imagine it was for the prince trying to find Cinderella by making every woman in the land try on a shoe.
But with a hell of a lot more swearing.
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
What will Tesla name their electric lawnmower?
E-Lawn
(Watching him change a flat tire)
Him: Grab the jack. We’re gonna need it
Me: We sure will
(Hands him the bottle)
Him: The CAR jack
Guys, If you mistakenly ask a woman at work if she’s pregnant and she’s not, save face and ask if she wants to be pregnant
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
who wants to go expliring
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body