‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
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Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
One of the best facts is that sharks are older than Saturn’s rings because it suggests that sharks might somehow have noticed, like they might have looked up one day and said ‘wait, have you done something different with your satellites?’
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato
[ER]
HIPSTER: I fell off my acoustic motorcycle & broke my mustache twirler.
DOC:…
H: I fell off my bike & broke my hand.
D: Rub kale on it.
My husband just walked in on me getting a pretty intimate backrub from this one wall corner in the kitchen and suggested we get a room.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
The Weeknd is back
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Everyone is worried about US politics but let’s focus on the bigger issue – France is having a butter shortage and this is crucial
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!