Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
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At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
The French cow says MEUX…
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
ok kids, this is a smoke detector, if you hear it beeping change the battery, if it’s still beeping, check to see if ur on fire
It’s not enough to get up at 8 am & freeze on the soccer field. One must also scream from the sidelines so everyone knows you care.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
me: my cat’s stuck in a tree!
fire department: sorry sir, but right now we’re only responding to fires
me: ok gimme a sec
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
When someone disagrees with you online & demands you prove your point to their satisfaction by writing a logically sound defense, u can save a lot of time by not doing that.
Dude, I’ve known u for ten seconds & enjoyed none of them, I’m not taking homework assignments from you.
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
Just spent 3 hours doing yard work *
* Looking for my gloves in the shed
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos