Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
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Complaining “I have too many books on my TBR”
• negative
• overdone
• false cause you can never have too many booksSaying “I have enough books to carry me through the afterlife”
• impressive
• dramatic goth vibes
• makes the afterlife sound pretty dope
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
What do you call a denim expert?
A jeanius.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
Do those “selfie sticks” retract, or do you just have to walk around like a doofus with a stick all day?
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I don’t think anyone anticipated this stage of corporate dystopia
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
My mother talks into the phone like a combat soldier calling in air support.
“Must you lick the knife?”
“Sorry,force of habit” I said “Loads of people do it though, don’t they?”
“Yes, but not during surgery, Doctor”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
I texted 8 on his iPad and asked him to call me and he said “I don’t have app for that” and I said USE A PHONE and he said “oh” and this is who’s supposed to take care me me when I’m old.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
I don’t think I’m cut out for parenting.
– me, with four kids, ages 14 to 23.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…