I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
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women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
My daughter actually submitted this feedback at school. Not sure if I should ground her or buy her ice cream…
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
(first date)
Her: I love Star Trek
Me: Me too!
Her: What’s your favourite part?
Me: *sweating* uhh when the stars go trekking!
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
Hootenanny is just one of those stupid made up words, like ‘ambition’ and ‘productivity’.
all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.