telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
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Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
Nigella has gone too far this time.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
I cringe when teens brag about taking girls to pound town because adopting a puppy together is a huge responsibility.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.