[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
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[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
First date: *puts entire onion ring in mouth* If yo’lik et ven yo’shoulla puh a wring owh it.
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
I don’t want just any tamale. I want a goddamn tamale.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
ME: I promise it will be different this time
THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot