Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
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A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Welcome to your fifties. You have seven pairs of reading glasses throughout your house, but you can’t find any of them, including the ones on your head.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women, “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re out with their significant others
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
This frozen meal expects me to know what wattage my microwave is like I’m some kind of wizard.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
Wife says I shouldn’t look at my phone in public because I get distracted and lose track of her and the kids. Can’t wait to tell her how wrong she is, once I find them at this Farmer’s Market.
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks