*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
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*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: Verbally. But I’ve also prepared a dance.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
Only a mother’s love …
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad