I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed
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If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
[chick-fil-a]
EMPLOYEE: can i take your order?
ME: yes, thank you for asking
EMPLOYEE: my pleasure
ME: and thank you for saying it was your pleasure
EMPLOYEE: please don’t do this
ME: oh i’m just getting started
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
No thanks Black Friday crowds.
I do all my Christmas shopping online in a blind panic, as God intended.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Star Wars films are like my wives – we don’t talk about the first 3
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.