Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
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Me: ” I’m gonna wrap my bear legs around your head”
Him: ” You mean bare?”
*Me looking at my untouched razor*
“Nope”
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
They say money can’t buy love but this tray of lasagna begs to differ.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
Sorry I licked my fingers before shaking your hand when we met, but I had Cheetos dust on them and I didn’t want to seem gross.
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
me: *getting to class really late and hungover* ugh please don’t call on me
student: professor?
me: shit
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”