Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
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GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
“Why are these little movies interrupting my movie?”
My kid, experiencing broadcast television and its commercials for the first time.
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Hubby is redoing Sis’s kitchen. Today he kicked down a wall like a one man SWAT team. I’ve got the ibuprofen gel on standby.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
SNL labels their bathrooms comic relief
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.