Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.
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I turned the location off on my phone so an international spy agency isn’t aware that I’m eating fast food today. I want to impress them.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
my biggest fear is a kiIler saying some funny shit whiIe im playing dead
Three boxes of the same cereal in the pantry are a sign I should consider using a shopping list at the supermarket rather than just winging it.
Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Just told my two kids that I love them both equally and the one with his shoes on the wrong feet totally bought it.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
“don’t worry about a thing”
“why”
“’cause every little thing gonna be all right”
“what about all the big things”
“ooh forgot about big things”
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Capricorn: Next year will be the year you start living like a king. Isolated, paranoid, never sure if anyone’s affections are genuine.
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
The best way to stay safe on the road is to drive like something other cars want to avoid.
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.