When someone blows a kiss at me I karate chop it right in half.
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
Travel anxiety is like regular anxiety but with even more baggage
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
*Involved in high speed chase*
*Uses turn signals*
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment’s hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
It’s a gift
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
I live in constant fear that someone will abduct my mother in law at 35 Ash Street, London, Flat 2, door is sticky buzz Carol to let you in.
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.