If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
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Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams
Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
2023 was just a warmup
you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
1. Rent storage unit
2. Procure 3 bodies at morgue
3. Place bodies in storage unit
4. Stop making payments
5. Wait. Best Storage Wars Ever
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?