The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
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I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
💯😂
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
McDonalds could burn to the ground and I bet the fries would still be cold
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
[High school reunion]
Me: I’m in the army now.Friend: I thought you were either going to be a referee or an attorney.
Me: Yeah I couldn’t decide between boxers and briefs so I went commando
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Dentist: Are you sensitive to hot or cold water?
Me: Yes, both
Dentist: okay, I’m just going to blast this industrial high velocity waterpik on your teeth then
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.