When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
My wife got this cool remote start thing that starts the car when cold, turns up the heat, fills it with gas
It’s me, I’m the remote start.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
On average I spend about $80 a year to watch bananas turn brown.
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
him: is it true you eat 8 spiders a night
me: yeah they say most people do
him: but they’re usually asleep
me (crunching): semantics semantics
him: you have a leg hanging out of your mouth
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Make me an entire website @funTweeters!
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
people talk about being able to fold a fitted sheet and I’m like wow there are people who make their bed
Ok, it’s nearly 3.30 am here, someone give me some good sleeping tips! If I don’t answer you know they’ve worked!
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Don’t make my same mistake. See the signs. Make a change.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Dave’s coming over
“Dave from work or loud and obvious Dave?”
[outside]
THE RAIN HAS MADE ME WET. I AM WEARING PANTS. MY EYES ARE BLINKING
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July