Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
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How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
A French press is when you hug naked
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
003: Hey
004: Hey
003: Hey
005: Hey
003: Hey
006:
003: I said Hey
006: What’s going on?– 4 Non Bonds
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
ham: accepted, non-offensive
hamn: curse, extremely forbidden
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
How to make infinite energy.
Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Took my 3 year old to a lot of historic sites and whale watching today. Asked what her favourite part was and she said, “The M&M’s”.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them