Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
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Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Accurate
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
My doctor wasn’t amused when he asked how much I weighed and I said
One hundred and fat
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers