What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
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What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.
JUDAS: any weekend plans?
JESUS: either exploring a cave or sleeping in, haven’t decided
JUDAS: maybe you’ll do both
JESUS: what?
JUDAS: what?
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
I’m sorry the hint I dropped on you was tied to an anvil.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me growing up in the countryside with a car: “it’s literally insane that I have to drive 20 minutes to see a friend. I can’t wait to move to a city”
Me in a city: “okay, 78 minutes on three trains to see someone who lives 6 miles away, that seems fine”
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Had to do 3 cartwheels, a backflip and a verse of “Killing Me Softly” to turn on this automatic sink.
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]