Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
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imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
My kid’s superpower is finding the one show that isn’t streaming on Hulu, Netflix, or Prime
‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.