Somehow I missed my turn into my driveway and ended up at the pub few blocks over
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
me: [playing musical chairs]
wife: have you tried learning an actual instrument?
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
My Millennial gets her Masters in December and of course I’m proud but she called me last week to say our toaster broke and long story short, she plugged the wrong appliance in.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Him:When do you get off?
Me: Usually once you go to sleep
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Oh you mean work? 6 o’clock Hun, see you then.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Toddler: *crawling across the desert*
Kind stranger: *offers water*
Toddler: No, red cup!