Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
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My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
JERY: Maybe you can just go back
TERESA MAY: go back ?
JERY: Ya. pretend brexit never happened.
MAY: you mean just walk into the EU meeting on Monday morning like it never hapened?
JERY: Sure. People dont take england seriously
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
The timeline of microwave popcorn:
< 1 minute: No popcorn
1-2:30: 4 pieces of perfectly popped popcorn
2:31-2:35: You did it. This is perfect. Good jo-
> 2:36: The ashes of what once could have been great, symbolizing your life’s wasted potential
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Burning rubber…
While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
God: What the hell is this you idiot I said my son would become a RABBI.
Angel who created the Easter Bunny: Oh shit my bad.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
when you’re a parent you can expect to find a banana anywhere. ANYWHERE.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768