*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
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[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
My husband: All the flags are at half-mast this weekend.
Me: For Tina Turner?
My husband: [long, scathing pause] For Memorial Day.
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
earth: *typing symptoms into webmd*
webmd: *breathes in sharply* why don’t you go ahead and have a seat
My god she’s good.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
The three genders.
concern
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night