A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
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How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
I wish for World peace.
Genie: Can’t do it.
Million dollars?
Genie: Listen bro, I lied on my genie resume.
Dispatcher: 911. What’s your emergency?
Me: Help! I’m being held hostage in a downtown office building!
D: By who?
Me: This really angry man! 1460 Maple Avenue. Please hurry! He’s making me DO THINGS!
D: OK. Please stay on the line.
Me: I can’t. My coffee break’s almost over!
[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
Maybe naming my new hippie themed bar Free Spirits was a bit misleading. Lesson learned.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
🤣😭 I done ate 22 times and took 13 naps and it’s still today
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
A fun way to spice up any marriage is to surprise your spouse by doing a chore and then when they thank you, reply with “no problem, somebody had to do it.”
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
Condiments that would be cute baby names:
Dijon
Sriracha
Cholula
Caesar
Aioli
Wasabi
Tabasco (Tabby for short)
Honey Mustard
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*