Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.
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do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[army training]
Sergeant: dude you gotta stop crying
Me, sobbing uncontrollably: this is torture
Sergeant: everyone has to make their own bed
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
Currently trying to estimate how many steps I lost searching the house to find my Fitbit.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
Southern women don’t outright fight. We passive aggressively drive one another into the ground with compliments and trying to make the better fried chicken.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
#winning
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt