*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
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DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it
CBS Fall Line-Up:
Big Bang Theory
Young Sheldon
Old Sheldon
Ghost Sheldon
CSI Sheldon
Last Sheldon Standing
America’s Got Sheldons
Me: Bitch, try me.
Judge: That’s exactly what we’re doing here!
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
I keep a tiny vial of gluten in my pocket in case I ever need to smash it on the ground to make a getaway from a large group of hipsters
[Traffic jam]
CAR 1: Hoonk!
CAR 2: Honk!
CAR 3: Honk, hooonk!
ME: *Holding up my goose* No pressure, Chester, whenever you’re ready.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
I’m very sorry, I must inform you, the stupidity has metastasized.
When you’re cruising down the highway of life, and glance over to see bumper to bumper traffic on the other side of the highway, only to find out that you’re actually going in the wrong direction
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
virus: humans are only worried about aliens destroying the world. they totally underestimate us😤
coronavirus: i got this
[later]
virus: so did you make them fear and respect us?
coronavirus: no they had a trip to disneyland they didn’t wanna cancel
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Me: I am so approachable and easy to get along with
Anyone: hey girl
Me: 😠
Anyone: excuse me ma’am
Me: 😡
Anyone: yo mister
Me: 😡😡😡
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*