If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
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Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
Opened the oven door after breakfast was done to let the warm air out into the kitchen because we already paid for that heat.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Actually told a girl who’s moving to France soon that “there’s lots of French people over there”. It’s a wonder how I can even bathe myself.
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Not today
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
*storms onto stage*
WHERE IS IT
*crowd gasps*
WHERE IS THE OXYGEN
*crowd continues gasping*
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Me: this doesn’t seem right
Dentist: u know on tv when they say 9/10 dentists
M: yeah
D: im the one
*he resumes hitting my teeth w/ a comb*
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
He died doing what he loved, forgetting to put my potato wedges in the bag.
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?