Doggies just call it style.
You Might Also Like
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Me: *quickly flips through each layer of a Big Mac like a wad of cash*
McDonald’s employee: [nervously assuring me] it’s all there I swear.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
The only thing more predictable than the conspiracy theories is some people’s inability to distinguish Indonesia from Malaysia. #AirAsia
tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My dog’s dinner: pork tenderloin, quinoa, and kale
My dinner: 12-15 mini chocolate donuts
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.