[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
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My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
*I throw my hat into the ring*
Oh you wanna fight do ya?
*I throw my pants into the ring*
Pal this is gettin’ weird
*I throw my skin into th
[holding ur new baby]
Bet I could beat him in Street Fighter
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I was raised Catholic. I know all the rules. And I broke most of them. 😈
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
DRUG DEALER: whatya want?
ME: *takes his hand in mine* what do YOU want?
DRUG DEALER: *tearing up* no one ever asks me that
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
I just listened to an great session on “Designers and Gyaan” hosted by @dharmeshba. It provokes a lot of good questions. I can’t help but contrast this with academia. In academia, I get the teaching/speaking opportunities based on how well I “publish.” Many professionals, 1/n
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
Me: If there’s Super Mario then how come regular Mario doesn’t wear glasses?
Therapist: I’m going to increase your medication
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
*pronounces fake like saké*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.