[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
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Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
mr. miyagi: sweep the leg, daniel-san
daniel-san: do i have to, sensei?
mr. miyagi: *sucks the meat off a chicken thigh, chucks it on the floor* yep. then wax my cars again, nerd
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
Worst perfume name ever.
I’d like to do more voiceover work if anybody’s got a lead or anything. I sound like a freaky guy and am famous for accepting payment.
My Plans 2020
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?