[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
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“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
What does Mario spend all those gold coins on? He has one outfit, travels by foot & lives in the sewer
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
What
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
archeologist 1: with the rosetta stone we can finally translate hieroglyphics!
archeologist 2: nice! what does this bird symbol mean?
archaeologist 1: looks like they’re saying…bird
archaeologist 2: hm ok.. and the cat symbol?
archaeologist 1: …you’re not gonna believe this
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
The Bible would be more believable if Adam was tempted by a slice of pizza instead.
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.