Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
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I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
[after drug rehab]
Jon Arbuckle: Hey Garfield
Garfield: *normal cat noises*
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
I just signed up for a gym membership and sprained my wrist
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
[Date night]
WIFE: Remember the night we met?ME: Yeah you walked in, I was eating pizza, and our eyes met
WIFE: It was amazing
ME: It really was and I don’t normally like deep pan
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.