My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
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Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
worst…sale…ever
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
getting a “can we reschedule” text right before leaving the house
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Look, at the beginning of vacation you wear a cute form-fitting dress. The end of the trip you wear a tarp from Home Depot. Please don’t make me explain.