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Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
toddler *begs me to take him to get ice cream*
me: Ok
[standing in line]
me: Do you know what do you want?
toddler: Chicken nuggets
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the whole truth, so help you God?
Me: Yes, unless she asks me if she looks fat.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
The Wolf of Wall Street.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Me: I want a dice.
Clerk: The correct term is ‘die’.
Me: I want 2 die.
Clerk: Plural is dice, alone it’s die.
Me: I want 2 die alone.
Every new rapture I remember the guy I knew whose parents announced during their weekly family dinner that since he was obviously not getting raptured he could have the house.
HER: have you decided where you’re going to live
ME: I’m still on the fence
HER: that’s why I asked