My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
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People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Popeye just relied on the spinach to turn him into a bucking mule or his hands into sledgehammers. He really had no fighting technique.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.