Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
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I’m going to normalize a new trend.
Unsolicited *CROC* pics
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Homeschooling day 1: trying to get this kid transferred out of my class.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
A completely valid reaction tbh
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
I hate “save the date” engagement cards. After divorce you should have to send out “hey forget about that one date 6 months ago” cards
I don’t understand what’s happening here.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
I always make it a point to become friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Would an Egyptian doctor who specializes in the spine be called a Cairopractor?
He really should be.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
I just ran a .003048K
I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.
I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.