I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
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Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Agreed to an “interview” by my 5y/o and her first question was, “What do you want for dinner and why is it tater tots?” and I feel like this is a hit job.
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Pro Tip: you can’t just be sorry. You have to understand why I expect you to be sorry and be able to articulate that back to me in detail
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.