Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
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[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
10 years ago I got my dream job in MI5 and the rest is [redacted]
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.
ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
girls literally only want one thing..
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.