You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
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It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
[road trip]
Me: one more word out of you and I’ll turn this car right around!
Kid: but
Me: that’s it, BACK TO DISNEYLAND
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
[inventing jazz]
a
me: what if music w
s
l i
k e
t
h
i s
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement