Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
what day is it?
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
My cat has learned to help himself to snacks so obviously this homeschooling is a raging success.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.