My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
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There is nothing sexier than when she locks eyes with me as she finishes…
..Frying the bacon
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
Him: *whispering* you still awake
Me: *exhales loudly through harmonica*
Me: Yeah, mosquitos always loved me. Your grandpa used meat tenderizer on my bites.
Son: Wow. That’s harsh.
M: I think because there’s salt in it.
S: Oh! The seasoning! I thought he actually used a meat mallet on you!
M: Umm…no…
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Recipe sites be like: Here’s a recipe, but first let me recite my family history back to 1578, tell you about my silly lil’ DUI I got in college, show you 57 pictures of my dog, and complain about my no-good spouse who is cheating with the landlord
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
*me trying not to be awkward when I meet new people
Them: Hi, it’s really nice to meet you
Me: Yeah, thanks, my dress has pockets
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
Me: Let’s go to the store.
5 yo: Why?
M: For food.
5: Why?
M: So we can eat.
5: Why?
M: To stay alive.
5: Why?
M: I have no idea.
People on Facebook Nowadays:
*Clicks pic while sipping coffee*
*Posts as DP with irrelevant caption: Every scar makes me who I am*
WTF?