*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?
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“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Do the people who set the paper towel dispensers to only dispense 2 inches at a time not know that I’m gonna take like 27 of those things?
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!