[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
You Might Also Like
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
[telling Florida friend about the Amish corn I got at the farmers market]
Friend: I wish I could get some!
Me: I’ll send you some!
[envisioning a scenario where somehow that’s illegal and I’m arrested for interstate corn trafficking]
*30 minutes later*
Me: darn sold out 🙁
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
it’s either covid or clever vampires
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
That’s it.I’m out.
the red hot silly peppers
I’m sick of diarrhea. I want to livarrhea.
Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas
Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’
Every surgery is exploratory if you have no idea what you’re doing
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
My toddler has had a rough day. I gave her regular milk instead of chocolate and Peppa Pig didn’t oink enough
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome