Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
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[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
latin students necrophiliacs
🤝
enjoying a dead tongue
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
Lube but for my dry humor.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
When Papa Roach sang “This is my last resort” he was on a disappointing vacation, and he’s avoided resorts ever since.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I toured a defense contractor executive’s home
Social distancing requires a good supply of air horns.