Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
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[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
The sauciest 1% of Americans are saucier than the bottom 95% combined.
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Blocking anyone who tries to motivate me.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
You could tell Nigeria parents you’re going to a friend’s funeral & they’ll still ask you how many times they’ve come to yours. 😂😂😂
WOMAN: some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my screaming son in her shopping cart] thank you
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad