Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
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I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
23. the denim jacket
God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
I forgot how to panic. Help
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
8, peering closely at me: what’s that?
Me: my necklace
8: How do you know?
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
*seductively eats two tums*
me: i feel terrible
my doctor who is also a cat: have you been sprinting around the house at 2am and yelling for no reason?
me: uh, not really
my doctor who is also a cat: [scribbling in my chart] hmm yeah that’s not good
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
modern restaurant names either tell you everything about them or nothing. It’s either ‘meat and bread’ or it’s ‘effervescent’ but either way you’re paying $16 for a cocktail
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.