[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
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*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Hell hath no fury like a woman being told she looks tired.
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
Weirdest thing about elephants is how their trunks are so flexible. You can tie like 12 of them together into a single knot. Don’t ask how I know but I need a ride home from the zoo like now if anyone is free.
This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
I love snow
– People who never shovel