My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
You Might Also Like
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
How many husbands have I had? You mean apart from my own?
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
little bit about me: i once saw Brad Pitt at a bar back in the late 90’s. he was smoking so i walked up & asked for a light. he handed me his lighter but i didn’t have a cigarette so i just flicked on the lighter & said “oh cool it works” gave it back & walked away
Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
I need to get some bricks…
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.